The Thinking Jar

(Click on image.)

it’s interesting really…

how i see how i cope with dilemmas and worldly woes, how looking at it as i would look at a clinical picture helps me cope and, or rather BUT in that sense make lose touch with what is essentially human in me.

within the first 30 minutes of my facing what could potentially be my first intimate experience with loss, i looked at my immediate reactions and mechanisms, apologized to my darling that i would be every weird about it, confessed that i already felt guilty for focusing on my own self-centered reactions and confided my game plan that my role in the process was to stand by the people dear to me who would be shattered by the immediate, deceivingly unprecedented turn of events.

although the truth of the matter was..is…, there was no denying that my uncle is a constant and consistent part of my life, albeit an amusing and disgruntling one. he was there when my moods, sensibilities, principles and values have been tested and modified and dry-run-ned (eh?)

i said i was bad with loss. i always felt wary when I’m faced with someone who suffered a loss because i felt that when i said my condolences, i can only hope that i was sincere and sounded sincere as i should be or as effectively as i could be. because i can only imagine the loss and not really empathize. i had lost distant relatives or relatives who were much older, who were waiting to move on, relatives who didn’t make me devastatingly mourn their loss, at the most i think fondly of them and be sober and somber for the next couple of hours. i was at a wake the day before- the mother of one of the professors i regard dearly. and i said that to Jason.. that i feel like I’m intruding, like I’m posing… I’ve been saying that for the past years.

hah, like Vesa said… a Sicilian bites you anyway… whatever that means…

and it hurts. a mix of guilt, gratefulness, remorse, fondness, compassion, sorrow and tenderness. how things are not erased, things are not forgotten but events are accepted for what they are. the good with the bad… a still reliable tag line of mine (i think)…

In Memoriam,

my father’s beloved cousin,

and brother in mind and spirit…

I say this with a rueful yet heartfelt smile…

Antonio Dayrit, Jr.

03-26-06

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>–*+*–<

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Drop by drop

Tick by tock

Hope wanes

And voices hush

Flames flicker

Ears strain

On the edge

Await the stop

-

—

–

Tears trickle

Hands shake

Sweat beads

Anticipate

Mood is somber

Heads are bent

Wipe away

Prayers sent

</

I promised Jason I’d get work done. I guess I want to give him my full attention and spare him my whining when we talk. I’m trying but some habits are hard to break but I do want to make him proud at least , instead of making him sigh in exasperation. in time… siguro. see, I told you to tell me to get work done …

duel in the palace…

I never watched that. Then again, I don’t watch tele-seryes… the funny thing is I always thought that it was JEWEL in the palace. hahaha. and when I do say "JEWEL in the palace", no one corrects me so I guess it’s not my bad, after all … well not completely … hahahaha.

I remember one of the doctors from OpSmile sharing this one time, it was last year in Balayan I think, that she used to have quite an effortful time trying to speak in English. A friend then tipped her saying if you think in English, you’d have an easier time speaking in it. and it worked for her because she was able to battle wits and what not in the "international tongue."

This was taken up later on in my graduate studies class, Normal Language. the topic then was bilingualism. The Philippines is multi-lingual… and yes we do not have mere dialects since that would pertain to minute changes in accent, stress, auxiliaries and what not. We have multiple languages where I THINK, since I know nothing else but Filipino and English, different sound systems and grammar rules are employed.

Inner speech, as Vgotsky called it, was the language you used in your head

There was an interesting discussion about what language each of us in class used with most ease. what language was preferred when talkin,

… my aunt just called. my uncle is in the hospital. he’s critical. I haven’t visited  him. I saw him during a family dinner last Tuesday. I don’t like alcohol much, I hate getting drunk more so… I guess I’ll visit him today…

I thought in English. just like I am doing so now. that’s why I hate editing because then I know it’s not what I was originally thinking at that moment. my family uses Filipino for everyday conversations but ideas, explanations, study lessons/ reviews, educational and recreational material from books to TV were in English. I was thinking about it some nights ago… I was brought up to speak and think English. which is why my Filipino is basic and being makata or more …

what do you call it…

endeavor-ous?

no… more attempting to be better… amorous…. no that’s not it…

more…

that’s it I’m opening up word and looking it up in the thesaurus…

great, now I’m doing an event cast (SB)

hold on.

maybe Franz Perl’s has more influence than I imagined. he wrote an autobiography that supposedly reflected the use or essence of gestalt therapy as a useful technique or approach in psychoanalysis… it’s a whole load of rambles and mumbles and memories and insight and somewhat crude interjections or whatever…

anyway… what’s the word…?

Idealistic … no

Optimistic … no

Endeavour … no

Goal-oriented … no

something like diligent but not quite…

its when you want to exemplify something and do everything it takes or try to push yourself to be it or to get it…

what the f**k is that word…

and now I’m reminded of Perl’s flowing thought and how I am talking a bit in his manner or tone, and at the back of my head I’m thinking of my uncle… on top of my earlier bunch of thoughts…

what is that word?

okay now I’m using nouns in the hopes of triggering the word out…

I hate TOTT; anomic episodes (SB) such as these get me jumpy and edgy…

aim, goal, ambition

…. assiduous, motivated…

crap

crap crap…

meticulous… ?

driven? …. no no no no

fine, it’s conscientious but not quite…

Even when I’m conscientious about using Tagalog, or precisely because I am being conscientious, I talk like I have a stick up my ass and that I’m addressing an audience, its a bit like I’m performing, presenting… fairly fake… okay, a third fake…

This is going to be a long Sunday, I think

hmm, I think it’s (SB) somewhere along the lines of “being mindful”

For the love of words, I better stop it.

———————

SB (see below)

EVENT CAST: type of oral narrative…

TOTT and anomic episodes: tip of the tongue.. aphasia

IT’S: the darn word i spend a long time trying to get ahold of

I promised Jason id get work done. I guess I want to give him my full attention and spare him my whining when we talk. I’m trying but some habits are hard to break but I do want to make him proud at least , instead of making him sigh in exasperation. in time… siguro. see, I told you to tell me to get work done … duel in the palace… I never watched that. Then again, I don’t watch tele-seryes… the funny thing is I always thought is what JEWEL in the palace. hahaha. and when I do say "JEWEL in the palace", no one corrects me so I guess it’s not my bad, after all … well not completely … hahahaha. I remember one of the doctors from OpSmile sharing this one time, it was last year in Balayan I think, that she used to have quite an effortful time trying to speak in English. a friend then tipped her saying if you think in English; you’d have an easier time speaking in it. and it worked for her because she was able to battle wits and what not in the "international tongue." This was taken up later on in my graduate studies class, Normal Language. the topic then was bilingualism. The Philippines is multi-lingual… and yes we do not have mere dialects since that would pertain to minute changes in accent, stress, auxiliaries and what not. We have multiple languages where I THINK, since I know nothing else but Filipino and English, different sound systems and grammar rules are employed. Inner speech, as Vgotsky called it, was the language you used in your head (Yes, you crazy friends of mine, you know perfectly well what I’m talking about …)… There was an interesting discussion about what language each of us in class used with most ease. what language was preferred when talkin, my aunt just called. my uncle is in the hospital. he’s critical. I haven’t visited him. I saw him during a family dinner last Tuesday. I don’t like alcohol much, I hate getting drunk more so… I guess I’ll visit him today… I thought in English. just like I am doing so now. that’s why I hate editing because then I know it’s not what I was originally thinking at that moment. my family uses Filipino for everyday conversations but ideas, explanations, study lessons/ reviews, educational and recreational material from books to TV were in English. I was thinking about it some nights ago… I was brought up to speak and think English. which is why my Filipino is basic and being makata or more … what do you call it… endeavor-ous? no… more attempting to be better… amorous…. no that’s not it… more… that’s it I’m opening up word and looking it up in the thesaurus… great, now I’m doing an event cast (SB) hold on. maybe Franz Perl’s has more influence than I imagined. he wrote an autobiography that supposedly reflected the use or essence of gestalt therapy as a useful technique or approach in psychoanalysis… it’s a whole load of rambles and mumbles and memories and insight and somewhat crude interjections or whatever… anyway… what’s the word…? Idealistic … no Optimistic … no Endeavour … no Goal-oriented … no something like diligent but not quite… its when you want to exemplify something and do everything it takes or try to push yourself to be it or to get it… what the f**k is that word… and now I’m reminded of Perl’s flowing thought and how I am talking a bit in his manner or tone, and at the back of my head I’m thinking of my uncle… on top of my earlier bunch of thoughts… what is that word? okay now I’m using nouns in the hopes of triggering the word out… I hate TOTT; anomic episodes (SB) such as these get me jumpy and edgy… aim, goal, ambition assiduous, motivated… crap crap crap… meticulous… ? driven? …. no no no no NO fine, it’s conscientious but not quite… the only point being, even when I’m conscientious about using Tagalog, or precisely because I am being conscientious, I talk like I have a stick up my ass and that I’m addressing an audience, its a bit like I’m performing, presenting… fairly fake… okay, a third fake… this is going to be a long Sunday I think hmm, I think its (SB) somewhere along the lines of “being mindful” for the love or words, I better stop it.

Ah, the collective need not be limited to themselves…

Branch out.

Be butterflies….

Fly you flighty mindless pretties…

Fly fly…

Bwahahaha.

Ah-hem.

As I was saying or was not saying…

I ask for psychological torture. I entertain myself and my good friends…

… Now, heterosexual hunky guy best friend (HHGBF) - yes I am laying it on thick so he will forgive me for any poor publicity I post, once again shot my ego down to a quarter of its size. We have an annual “open season” and my whole life for the year would be put up as a target.

It had reached a point that I am immune to it or see it as a cleansing of sorts… he did take shots at my life decisions that are just horrible or abominable often with a rueful headshake because it used to take some years because I actively followed his advice. Haha, remember the exercise regimes and diets, the “be social and go out”? …  of course when I took his advice, I followed it a bit and end up doing a modified version of his guru-like zen-like counsel. And general observation includes the men in my life… hmm, that makes it sound like I had lots of men in my life, very misleading.

Despite the torture, his opinion is priceless to me. It has been for how many years now….

           Yes, HHGBF, I (hope to) always have a friend in you. Thank you.

I was watching a part of the mean girls as part of my regular dose of procrastination {See below- SB}. And there was apart where the girls from party of five (?) said something about how one has to have the group’s “yes” before buying a skirt…

A fairly more, ahem,   intellectual and more mature version transpired earlier last week. My friends and I were once again in Starbucks, disrupting the once successful studying routines of the motivated adult ( sounds … awry… eh? You naughty minds you, shame on you…  ) learners. General agreement {SB} was resounded despite my harsh, incredulous outbursts.

Apparently, when you hit past the 5 years of best –friendship, your mechanics become painfully more intense and dictatorial and, not to mention, communist in nature…

We(e) Three Femmes

An Idiotic-Intellectual-Elitist Collective (Sub)Consciousness

a.k.a. 2old2fast

Responsibilities:

As part of the idiotic-intellectual-elitist collective consciousness - one must:

-         , not only have significant other court friend’s and earn approval,  submit complete resume,  background check,  IQ test and audio recording of pledge of allegiance of potential significant others’ to each friend. One copy for filing.

-         give blow by blow account of one’s secrets, darkest desires, life aspirations in detailed account including the  roles and responsibilities of two other friends

-         be subject to a painstaking review of one’s thinking process,  decision making skills and over-all common sense.

-          Be open and receptive to all types of criticism from the collective consciousness.

-         Follow through life decisions agreed upon by the collective. 

Benefits and Privileges:

As a member, you are …

-         allowed to curse and spew profanities at the collective. One’s status would not be affected.

-         Allowed to be snappish and manic and heretic and melancholic within 10 minutes.

-         Allowed to whine and whimper about life’s and society’s unkind blows at you. 

-         Allowed to whine and whimper BUT listen to the collective’s unfair assumptions and (follow) memorandums.

-         Blame the collective for whatever emotional breakdowns ad psychological repercussions one becomes afflicted with secondary to the council meetings{SB}.

Regular dose of procrastination: at least once a month and at a maximum- perhaps a lifetime?

General agreement: when you are three, one outburst is futile. Majority, a mere puny number of TWO becomes a landslide triumph.

Council meetings: caffeine- laden meetings (typically consumed by the author) attended by all three that serve as confessional, consultation and burning at the stake

We(e) Three Femmes : unofficial rip off from my savior (- one has to have a laugh, c’mon. it is life saving after all) , Terry Pratchett’s, acclaimed young adult novel Wee Free Men   

iexpatiate: hi. ang secret: keep 4 work settings, study masters and top it off with association work, add a mix of a neurotic caffeine laden lifestyle… and viola, you lose weight and the lining in your esophagus in the process. bwahahahaha. that is the secret to my success… oh, and you lose a bit of sanity along the way, it comes back though… and goes… comes and goes. heh.

for some reason, some people have no decent concept of what counts as human phone wire burning hours. haha. yes, you know I’m talking about you. hah, if anything i told you I’d write about you… only to find out I’d write about something someone else told you. you poser, i knew it…

anyway, friend GE (gorgeous eyes) calls past midnight, or a little before midnight. For some reason unknown or at least unrecalled by the inhabitants of ye ol’ house, all the clocks are advanced, and not all of them show the same time. I told my dad before if he can change the time without telling me, make it more advanced since I automatically adjust the time in my head anyway, thus losing the purpose of the whole advanced time thingy…

anyway, topic maintenance…

ah.

so friend GE calls.. forces me to divulge to no avail. (sorry, darling, have to gloat.) and out of nowhere shows his trump card… (eh, what he wants to achieve is unknown to me. perhaps to make me laugh?) he asks…

"Dan, what is the similarity between a breast without a nipple and a person without a friend?"

I gasp for air, not ready for such an eloquent zen-like life changing question.

"Is this a joke?"

he reassures me.. . no it’s not. and i repeat… no seriously… I couldn’t help laughing by this point.

C’mon, he urges.

Um, friends share milk?

I guess by now he is horrified that he even called me up when my brain has started to show signs of mush-iness. Quite the opposite of what was needed in answering that question…  he gives up on me and says, no, he purrs…

it’s pointless.

. . .

…

and with that, I laugh out loud.

It was a good laugh and he said he hated me.

hehe.

O well. It’s a nice turn… my mood, now I feel light…then again, it could be because the oxygen supply seems to be depleting in my head… or what not. carry on.

amazing, words of advice still prettily and eloquently set in a metaphysical tone of sorts… salamat, propesor … i dont know who to cite but, kudos, dear learner… same goes to you, prof…

ON Time and Ethics…

… point was, "time" is not simply a measure of the passage of events, its fundamentally the "encounter" between one and another. I think space is the same: not so much the measure of physcial distance between individuals, but is the actual distance between one and the other. therefore, "travel"  is not so much a matter miles and years, but of depth of relationship… relationships may just work!                                                                   - MM 2/06

Funny how even fate and circumstance seem to choose people to be the ultimate butt of the joke, or the butt of the ultimate joke… one of those…

TTFT, grrr…

bounce, bounce,

boing…

as Tigger would put and spring it…